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Randomize humor
The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there''s a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You''ll be surprised how effective this form can be!
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Dear
a) Mom
b) Dad
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,
f) Near & dear friend
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm
f) Snow Mobile
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
f) Ski Doo
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house
b) wife
c) Mistress
d) Cub Scout troop
e) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch
f) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond
f) just shoot me
but I ask you to remember all the good times we''ve had, joking around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I''m going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me
Humor of the day
Q: What is every blonde''s ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I''m "sooo" drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I''m drunk!"
Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!
Q: Why can''t blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don''t know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A2: So that when they''re on the train they can tell if they''re going to work or coming home.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that''s where you''re supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby''s diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.