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Randomize humor
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, ''How much weight do you want to lose?'', to which the man responded, ''Ten pounds.''
The voice replied, ''Very well, give me your credit card number and we''ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.''.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, ''If you catch me, you can have me''.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, ''Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!''. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, ''How much weight do you want to lose?'', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, ''Twenty pounds.''.
''Very well'', the voice on the phone told him, ''Give me your credit card number and we''ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.''
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating ''If you catch me, you can have me''. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, ''Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
''This is fantastic!'', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, ''How much weight do you want to lose?''. ''Fifty pounds!'', the man exclaimed. ''Fifty pounds?'', the voice asked. ''That''s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.''
The man replied, ''Listen buddy, here''s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!'', and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
''If I catch you, I''m going to screw you''
Humor of the day
181.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
182.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
183.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave at her.
184.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.
185.
Q: How do you check a blonde''s IQ?
A: With a tire gauge.
186.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
187.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
188.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don''t have to worry about blowing their brains out.
189.
Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?
A1: So they don''t shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don''t moo.
190.
Q: Why aren''t BLONDES good cattle herders?
A: Because the can''t even keep two calves together!
191.
Q: Why don''t blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
192.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
193.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
194.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
195.
Q: What''s a blonds'' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
196.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde''s eyes?
A: The back of her head.
197.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW''s
A: Because they can''t spell PORSCHE!!
198.
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
199.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can''t bring beer from the fridge.
200.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they''re on the train they can tell if they''re going to work or coming home.