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Randomize humor
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BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.
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FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
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I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.
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I can''t dial 911. There''s no 11 on my phone.
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Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
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JESUS LOVES YOU. It''s everybody else that thinks you''re an ass.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn''t know her first name was, "Always".
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What is a free gift? Aren''t all gifts free?
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Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
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It''s hard to make a comeback when you haven''t been anywhere.
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren''t more people happy?
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1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies.
1975 - 1998: Nothing.
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I didn''t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
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Don''t get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
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Be nice to your kids. They''ll choose your nursing home.
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I haven''t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don''t like to interrupt her.
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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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The trouble with life is there''s no background music.
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THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
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If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
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The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75%
of the population.
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First draw the curve, then plot the data.
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A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
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IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
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When blondes have more fun do they know it?
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REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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WHERE THERE''S SMOKE, THERE''S DINNER.
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OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?
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Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
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Humor of the day
A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I''ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,
"I''ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid''s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"