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Randomize humor
48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don''t know what your problem is, but I''ll bet it''s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you''ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I''m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I''ll try being nicer if you''ll try being smarter.
7. I''m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don''t work here. I''m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can''t understand a word you''re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you''re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don''t give a damn.
14. I''m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We''re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one unde! rstands you doesn''t mean you''re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I''m not being rude. You''re just insignificant.
21. It''s a thankless job, but I''ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn''t an office. It''s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30. You!... Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. I''m trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven''t fallen asleep yet.
41. Can I trade this job for what''s behind door 1?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Humor of the day
December 26, 1999
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!
That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.
Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny