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Randomize humor

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don''t have.

2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife''s face.

6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.

8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13) Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.

14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

16) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.

19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

22) The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.

23) The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.

24) I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.

25) The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.

26) A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.

27) A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

28) I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.

29) I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.

31) I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.

32) I struck the young man with my husband''s car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.

33) I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.

34) I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.

35) I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.

36) I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.

37) I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

38) I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.

39) I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

40) My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.

41) My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

42) My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.

43) No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

44) The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

45) The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

46) The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

47) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

48) The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.

49) The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.

50) The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.

51) There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.

52) When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.

53) When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Humor of the day

December 26, 1999

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!

That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.

Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Sincerely,
Little Johnny