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Randomize humor

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, ''How much weight do you want to lose?'', to which the man responded, ''Ten pounds.''

The voice replied, ''Very well, give me your credit card number and we''ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.''.

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, ''If you catch me, you can have me''.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, ''Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!''. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, ''How much weight do you want to lose?'', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, ''Twenty pounds.''.

''Very well'', the voice on the phone told him, ''Give me your credit card number and we''ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.''

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating ''If you catch me, you can have me''. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, ''Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

''This is fantastic!'', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, ''How much weight do you want to lose?''. ''Fifty pounds!'', the man exclaimed. ''Fifty pounds?'', the voice asked. ''That''s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.''

The man replied, ''Listen buddy, here''s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!'', and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,

''If I catch you, I''m going to screw you''

Humor of the day

December 26, 1999

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!

That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.

Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Sincerely,
Little Johnny