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Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin'' with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis, that is)
(Clean cut, Missed his nuts)

Well, the next thing you know, there''s a ginsu by his side,
And Lorena''s in the car takin'' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.
(Curve, that is)
(Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weanie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed ``Over There,''''
To John Wayne''s Henry that was waving in the air.
(Found, that is)
(By a fence, Evidence)

Now Peter and John couldn''t stay apart too long,
So the Dick Doc said, ``Hey, I can fix your Dong!''''
``A needle and a thread is all you''re gonna need.''''
And the whole world waited ''til they heard that Johnny peed.
(Whizzed, that is)
(Even seam, Straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn''t show on tape.
(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, Case closed)

Humor of the day

December 26, 1999

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!

That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.

Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Sincerely,
Little Johnny