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GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK
1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! ''Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I''d say "Get well soon"...but I know it''s incurable.
3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....I found your cat...Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you''re on the mends.... here''s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You''ve announced that you''re gay, and won''t that be a laugh, when they find out you''re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter''s a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she''s a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don''t fret about your wife though... She''s moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn''t have installed... Win''95.
9. You totalled your car... and can''t remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It''s one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss''s wife.
Humor of the day
December 26, 1999
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!
That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.
Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny