Top Sites List , Home , Cooking , Fruits_and_Vegetables , Carambola | ODP | 08.01.2009
| » Site title: Broiled Carambola over Vanilla Frozen Yogurt » Site description: Uses two large star fruits. |
| » Site title: Carambola » Site description: Describes the fruit in detail, and how to eat it. |
| » Site title: Carambola Broccoli Salad » Site description: Simple, basic recipe. |
| » Site title: Carambola Recipes, Fairchild Tropical Garden » Site description: Four recipes, including Carambola Bread, and how to dry the fruit. |
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Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you little troll, I''ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT''S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I''m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won''t wanna be around to smell it).
So, here''s my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I''m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I''d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what''s with that earring anyway? If I''m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don''t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don''t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald''s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It''s been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that''s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don''t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It''s that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA
December 26, 1999
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!
That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.
Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny