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Randomize humor

Amazing and true lawyer statements.
Lawyers typically aren’t funny - unless by accident.
Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself.

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Humor of the day

181.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

182.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

183.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave at her.

184.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

185.
Q: How do you check a blonde''s IQ?
A: With a tire gauge.

186.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

187.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"

188.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don''t have to worry about blowing their brains out.

189.
Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?
A1: So they don''t shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don''t moo.

190.
Q: Why aren''t BLONDES good cattle herders?
A: Because the can''t even keep two calves together!

191.
Q: Why don''t blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.

192.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

193.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

194.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

195.
Q: What''s a blonds'' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

196.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde''s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

197.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW''s
A: Because they can''t spell PORSCHE!!

198.
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

199.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can''t bring beer from the fridge.

200.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they''re on the train they can tell if they''re going to work or coming home.