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Randomize humor
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner''s name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don''t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don''t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don''t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can''t be fried in bacon grease, it ain''t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y''all" is singular. "All y''all" is plural. "All y''all''s" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain''t from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don''t be worried that you don''t understand anyone. They don''t understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner''s vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol''", as in "big ol'' truck" or "big ol'' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin''" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y''all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car''s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you''re supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you''re better off trying to find it yourself.
Humor of the day
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct
her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics,
and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I''m doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I''m starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to
worry that she hadn''t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a
mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said,
"I don''t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold.
I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"