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Randomize humor

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC''s.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info

27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.

30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.

31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.

36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.

37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don''t do drugs.

40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.

41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.

42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.

44. Street vendors'' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.

47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.

48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.

50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.

51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.

52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.

53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.

54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can''t use that speed to actually catch the person they''re chasing.

55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).

Humor of the day

181.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

182.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

183.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave at her.

184.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

185.
Q: How do you check a blonde''s IQ?
A: With a tire gauge.

186.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

187.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"

188.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don''t have to worry about blowing their brains out.

189.
Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?
A1: So they don''t shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don''t moo.

190.
Q: Why aren''t BLONDES good cattle herders?
A: Because the can''t even keep two calves together!

191.
Q: Why don''t blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.

192.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

193.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

194.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

195.
Q: What''s a blonds'' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

196.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde''s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

197.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW''s
A: Because they can''t spell PORSCHE!!

198.
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

199.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can''t bring beer from the fridge.

200.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they''re on the train they can tell if they''re going to work or coming home.