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Randomize humor

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you''d like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I''m ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there''s gonna be some drinkin''."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More ''n likely gonna be some fightin'', too."
Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don''t worry, I''ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I''ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I''ve been up here all alone for six long months. I''ll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says...
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."

Humor of the day

December 26, 1999

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!

That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.

Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Sincerely,
Little Johnny