Do You Know?
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Randomize humor
Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesn''t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I''m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I''m 6''3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I''m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We''re in my bedroom. There''s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I''m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I''m gulping, I''m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I''m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I''m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I''m moaning softly.
Wellhung: I''m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I''m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I''m rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I''m sorry.
Sweetheart: That''s OK, it wasn''t really too expensive.
Wellhung: I''ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don''t worry about it. I''m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I''m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it''s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I''m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I''m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I''m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I''m dropping the bra. Now I''m licking your, you know, breasts. They''re neat!
Sweetheart: I''m running my fingers through your hair. Now I''m nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I''m so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I''m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I''m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I''m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I''m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I''m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I''m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What''s the matter?
Wellhung: I''ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I''m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I''m having a coughing fit. I''m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I''m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I''m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I''m drinking a cup of water. There, that''s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I''m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I''m on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I''m drying the cup. Now I''m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I''m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it''s dark, I''m lost. Where''s the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I''m tuggin'' off your pants. I''m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don''t you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can''t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I''m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I''m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it''s dark. I''m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I''m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I''m done going. I''m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can''t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What''s the matter now?
Wellhung: I''ve realized that I''ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I''m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I''m going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman''s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I''m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I''m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I''m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can''t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I''m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I''m limp. I can''t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I''m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I''m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I''m going to get my glasses and see what''s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I''m getting dressed. I''m putting on my underwear. Now I''m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I''m squinting, trying to find the night table. I''m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I''m buttoning my blouse. Now I''m putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I''ve found my glasses. I''m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I''m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I''m logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:{logged off}
Humor of the day
December 26, 1999
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!
That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.
Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny