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Randomize humor
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn''t true.
"I''m as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
Q: What''s the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.
Q: What''s the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
The judicial process is like a cow.
The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
Q: What''s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"
"No," he answered.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question ''yes'', was "why?".
Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."
Humor of the day
December 26, 1999
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!
That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.
Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny