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Randomize humor
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream! Unless it''s the one where you''re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you''ll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don''t like my driving, don''t call anyone. Just take another road. That''s why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I''m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor''s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It''s always darkest before dawn. So if you''re going to steal the neighbor''s newspaper, that''s the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
ust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor''s car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That''s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It''s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it''s cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it''s good you don''t want to get off, and when it isn''t... you can''t wait to throw up.
Humor of the day
December 26, 1999
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!
That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.
Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny