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Randomize humor

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher

Spouse''s Name:_____________

2nd Spouse''s Name:_______________

3rd Spouse''s Name:_______________

Lover''s Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother''s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father''s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you''ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you''ve seen Elvis:___
Number of times you''ve seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man


How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?

Humor of the day

December 26, 1999

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!

That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn''t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.

Don''t let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I''ll fuck you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Sincerely,
Little Johnny